I had some doubts creep into my mind today. I had to ask myself whether my submissiveness is driven by sexual desire or am I submissive in nature as I thought myself to be. It could also be a combination of both since I am sure I will still want to continue serving Mistress Stacy if she stopped using my sexual desires and fetishes to control me. Using my desires to manipulate me and train me is a means to an end, perhaps the clearest path towards achieving absolute obedience. Alternatives would be for example extreme physical punishment to break me. In the end, the answer is probably not as important but it is still interesting to discover more about myself.
Mistress suggested once that I should be made to wear a cock cage to keep me from masturbation or any sexual activity without her permission. I was very concerned that the buldge in my pants would be very noticable. I was just thinking that the problem is the same now where I go “commando” as part of my punishment. I guess the difference is that it will be a lot easier to explain myself. On a separate note, Mistress sent me the most amazing photograph of her beautiful feet first thing this morning. When I saw the photograph, I was still half asleep and thought that I was in a dream.
This week has gone by fairly quickly. I have been kept busy in the office. Mistress still requires me to edge myself five times a day. I am only allowed to edge and not masturbate. That means I have to ensure that I do not climax. I have started to get less excited with each occassion. In my mind I wonder if this is one of Mistress’ way of dehumanising me. I assume when I have been fully dehumanised she would be able to mould me according to her wishes, but at the same time, are my sexual desires not the most effective way to control me? Perhaps different methods apply for different slaves. This may be where Mistress comes in as she would know the slave best.