I had some doubts creep into my mind today. I had to ask myself whether my submissiveness is driven by sexual desire or am I submissive in nature as I thought myself to be. It could also be a combination of both since I am sure I will still want to continue serving Mistress Stacy if she stopped using my sexual desires and fetishes to control me. Using my desires to manipulate me and train me is a means to an end, perhaps the clearest path towards achieving absolute obedience. Alternatives would be for example extreme physical punishment to break me. In the end, the answer is probably not as important but it is still interesting to discover more about myself.
Mistress approved the punishment I suggested for myself in the end. I am to go without underwear for a whole week. This is my punishment for looking at her without her permission in the car on Friday. Going without underwear would not only be uncomfortable, it might also mean I might have an awkward buldge at the wrong time. It could be very embarrassing when I am in the presence of ladies, especially in the office. Mistress would also like me to get a remote controlled cock ring so that she can play with me even when I am not with her. I have seen a few being sold online. I just wonder if the ring makes a distinct noise when it vibrates. That would be quite embarrassing if it was to go off when I am in a meeting.
It was very special to have been allowed to drive Mistress Stacy this morning. I was very happy. I returned Mistress all her panties and bras that I had handwashed and folded neatly. The only blip was that despite my efforts, Mistress was still late. This was because of a rather bad traffic accident along the way. Separately, because I could not keep my eyes to myself, Mistress wanted me to think of a suitable punishment for looking at her without her permission. It was then I realised it is actually very difficult to do that. My suggestion that I wear pink lace panties for a week was immediately rejected. I guess I will have to try to be more creative going forward.
Meeting up with Mistress was always going to be special. Unfortunately I was once again late and was told my punishment as soon as Mistress got into the car. I had to kneel for two hours (instead of the usual one) and all the time having my cock clamped firmly under the toilet seat. This I did just before I started writing this piece for today. Coming back to my meeting with Mistress, it was a very enjoyable experience. I was so glad that Mistress liked my choice of restaurant. The food was rather good. Mistress and I had a good conversation about our relationship and also shared some things about ourselves. All throughout, I was only allowed to eat when Mistress said so. She discretely mixed some of her saliva into food she put on my plate and ordered me to eat. After the dinner, Mistress took me to a deserted area and made me crawl under her legs like a dog to retreive an empty carton. It was a humiliating outward expression of submission to her. I then sent Mistress home. Mistress Stacy left me a bag of her bra and panties with specific instructions as to how I should hand wash them and return them to her by the end of the week. I am allowed to send Mistress to work tomorrow. First thing in the morning.
Mistress disclosed the punishment she has planned for me next week. I will narrate it here after the event but what I can say is that she appears to be leaning towards domesticating me. I am excited at the plans she has for me. I will accept my punishment graciously and wholeheartedly, knowing that it will be another small step towards total submission to her. She has given me very specific instructions about our meeting next week. I am looking forward to it.
Mistress gave me an opportunity to drive her today. It was totally out of the blue. Very unexpected. Unfortunately I was not able to take the opportunity to serve her because of work commitments. She came back with an offer to meet in a different context next week. She would see me, to deliver my punishment for not being able to serve her regularly enough. Mistress mentioned that it would be both a punishment and a reward. I am already very excited and at the same time curious to find out what it is. Whatever it is, I will have to wait patiently. I wait with mixed emotions, with some fear as well as anticipation. It is impossible to even guess what Mistress has in store for me.
I did not post yesterday. For those who have been following my journey, it is quite rare for me to miss a post. It is because Mistress Stacy wants me to post daily. One of the first things I did when I woke up today was to inform her about my failure. She has not responded so I wait in anticipation about my punishment. More importantly though, it felt very at ease to report about my failure to Mistress. While I know I am likely to be punished, I wanted to do it because I know it is the correct thing to do. At the same time, I have to admit I felt a bit turned on about possibly getting punished. A part of my behaviour and thinking has definitely been rewired. I must strive towards total submission to Mistress.